தமிழோ?! இசையோ?! கவியோ?!

நின்னைச் சரணடைந்தேன் எனத்தொடங்கும் பாரதி பாடலை வாசித்தாலும் கேட்டாலும் இந்த உணர்வு எழாமலிருப்பதில்லை! மயக்குவது யார்? தமிழோ? இசையோ? கவியோ? கடையத்தில் பிறந்து பாரதி பாடல்களுடன் வளர்ந்த எனக்கு, அவரது பாடல்கள் பிடிப்பதில் வியப்பொன்றுமில்லைதான்!! ஆனாலும் இந்தக் கவிதை கொஞ்சம் அதீதமானது! இந்த பாடல் என்னை அவ்வளவு தூரம் அசைத்துப் பார்ப்பதன் காரணம் பாரதியா,இசையா, இனிய தமிழா?

இந்தப்பாடலை யார் பாடினாலும் கேட்பது சுகம்! இளையராஜா, பாம்பே ஜெயஸ்ரீ, சுதா ரகுநாதன், உன்னி கிருஷ்ணன் என்று யார் பாடினாலும் சுகம்!! வலியோடுகூடிய சுகம்! பாடும் விதம் சற்று மாறினாலும்கூட, பாடலைக்கேட்கும்போது எழும் உணர்வுகளில் வேறுபாடோன்றும் இருப்பதாய்த் தெரியவில்லை! பந்துவராளியில்/புன்னாகவராளியில் யார் என்ன பாடினாலும் எனக்குப் பிடித்துவிடுமோ? அப்படியும் சொல்வதற்கில்லை!

பாரதி என் மானசீக வழிகாட்டிகளில் ஒருவர். 32 வயதுக்குள் ஞானத்தெளிவுடன்,  மாமனிதானாய் வாழ்ந்து முடிந்த பாரதி தனது குழப்பங்களை, வலிகளைச்  சொன்ன பாடல்களில் இதுவும் ஒன்று!! "தன்செய லெண்ணித் தவிப்பது தீர்ந்திங்கு நின்செயல் செய்து நிறைவுபெறும் வண்ணம்" செய்ய கண்ணம்மாவைக் கேட்கும்போது பாரதியின் மனநிலை எப்படி இருந்திருக்கும்? காலனைக் காலால் உதைக்கும் துணிவு கொண்ட அவருக்கு, வீரம் சொட்டும் புதிய ஆத்திசூடி எழுதிய அவருக்கு, எத்தகைய குழப்பம் இருந்திருக்கக்கூடும் இப்படி ஒரு வலிமிகுந்த கவியெழுத? தன் வாழ்வின் தளம் கடந்து வாழ்தல் எல்லோர்க்கும் எளிதாகுமோ? பாரதி போல வையம் பயனுற வாழவேண்டுமென்றால், என்ன செய்யவேண்டும்?

மிடிமையும் அச்சமும் மேவிய நெஞ்சத்துடன் புகழையும் உயர்வையும் கேட்கும் தமிழா? நல்லது தீயது பிரித்து அறியாவிடிலும் சோர்வில்லை தோற்பில்லை என்று நம்பிய திடமா? 12 வரிகளிக்குள் வேதனை, பயம், வலி, குழப்பங்களைச் சொல்லி, இவையாவும் நீங்கும் என்ற நம்பிக்கையும் தருவது தமிழின் வலிமையா அன்றி கவியின் வலிமையா அறிகிலேன்!

Karma Clearing Program - Gone for a toss!

I can't believe that it is already four years since I started trying Karma Clearing Program.  I have posted the results of 2011, 2013 and 2014. All reported failure / partial success (however you want to perceive!!). This year, it is a total flop! Every single rule was broken on every single day. I did not even remember the program till last week! When I was looking for an article link to be included in a new article, I accidentally looked at my earlier Karma clearing program progress article. That is how I remembered the program :-(

I have never been successful on all 9 days with the first two rules "No expression of dissatisfaction" and " No criticism" since the time I started. This year, it was worse. I expressed my dissatisfaction and criticism in ferocious manner many times, though some times, I did not express it! Some times, I did not express immediately but I expressed it later - may be with more intensity as a result of bottling up the emotion! If there is any negative marking, this year would have got me only that!!

"Observe actions and thoughts" was the only rule I was following religiously till last year. This year, even this rule was broken on many days. I felt there is no connection between my thoughts and actions. I thought of something but did something else. Even though I did not think of acting, I acted and I did not act even though I wanted to act and thought about the action very well! I missed to even observe how I am thinking, why I am thinking what I am thinking etc.! But still, I would say, this rule was followed to an extent while all the other rules were completely gone!!

"Arise earlier" and "One major meal a day" were the simplest ones. But my sleep pattern was random this year! My sleep quota increased in the first quarter of the year; second and third quarter it touched the lowest limits that I slept only for a couple of hours a day sometimes. But the pattern was so erratic that I can not say I rose early! My eating pattern was equally bad too! On some days, I ate much more than my usual to the extent of two full meals and on some other days, I did not even have one full meal!

"Help some one without leaving a trace" was a big flop again. I could not  / did not even help those who asked for help forget about helping without leaving a trace!! The next rule is to meditate once at least before sunset! This is another practice with twists this year. Interestingly, though,  I learnt a new meditation technique this year, I can not say this rule was followed! I was not able to meditate since March! My concentration level was so very poor - it still is! I hope to improve soon!!

I got so many opportunities for doing something that I dislike - not only an hour a day - but more than that. But I did not even think that it is an opportunity to shed out Karma and leave the baggage quickly! Instead, I resisted and fought against the need to do the most disliked activities. When any new disliked activity crossed my way, I cribbed! However, I should also agree that I could do certain things against my ego and liking - in fact, I did somethings that had the potential to shatter my ego completely! In the upcoming year, I am setting out to do something I like but has certain elements that I do not like. It is almost like, the unlikable elements are overshadowing the likable  aspects and making the whole initiative a painful process. Let me give a try to follow this rule.  This is going to be my intrinsic motivator to do that work! Who knows, I may become a saint by the end of it :-)

I completely forgot to "recall the day in reverse at bed time (starting from bed time and traversing through to dawn)". Only today, I am thinking restarting it!!! Though I did not follow this rule, I realized the science behind it. If you have to recall the day in reverse order, you should have been conscious of what you are doing; you should be "present" all the time. Harvard university proved the effectiveness of techniques to be "present" which includes speaking with alphabets instead of words, that is, instead of using words to form a sentence, you will use the spelling of these words to form the sentence and communicate your intent. this practice makes you more attentive; you start to become more intentional about communication. I thought that as a person I strongly believe in intentional living and live intentionally without leaving things to chances!! But, it does not seem to be so! There are several things that were tacit, involuntary, unconscious (not even subconscious :-)!!!) I will try to be more intentional in the future!!

Overall, I am writing off 2015 in this nine days nine rules journey and hoping for a better 2016!!

Less equals!! Ha!!

This is yet another follow up article! In fact, this is an explanation for the earlier articles and my stance on dressing up!!  There was a strong feedback from a reader. She was very upset with the articles and me. She quoted Chain around the neck and asked what is wrong in wearing jewelry or dressing up for a loved one; quoted Blame Game and asked what is wrong with using cosmetics; she quoted Minimalistic decision making and asked what is wrong in spending more time shopping if that can give relaxation… like an entertainment. She felt offended that I am considering women who dress up or who spend more time in shopping as less equals; she also quoted that women tend to behave this way as they grow up in the ladder and they have a need to prove that they are not "feminine" or they do not have the characteristics of the other women.

My response to all her three "what is wrong" questions, of course there is nothing wrong as long as it is you who consciously decide to do it and it is not out of a compulsion or mandate by someone else or as a result of social conditioning. Don’t I dress up? Of course I do! I do dress up differently for different occasions or environments; my liking towards different types of attire has changed many times over a period.... like all of you! More importantly, I have considered / I do consider the sentiments of loved ones when I wear an attire for a specific occasion. For example, I try to avoid wearing black when my parents are around as they fear that I will fall sick after wearing black. But I do have a quite a number of black in my wardrobe! When I go to work in India, I dress up very formally and it is Indian formals. Off work, I wear western casuals quite a bit.  When I visit other countries, I dress up in a way that works for me in that country. When I go to weddings, I wear jewelries and deck myself up. You can easily see the range of variations in clothing from these details.

I think, all of us do have a range! Men do too.  I am sure, men also would not like to go to board meetings in shorts and  they would go in their choicest formal suit if the meeting matters to them. So the points I raise are not against dressing up suitably for the occasion nor against having a wide range of choices. It is about who decides what is appropriate for an occasion. I believe, women have the necessary intelligence to decide what is appropriate for an occasion and others do not have the right to decide it for them. If someone wears an attire that is traditionally not worn to  a specific type of an occasion, that person may feel odd and learn what to wear next time; if they do not find it odd to wear, it is fine too; they will continue to wear it next time too. It is their choice!  If someone is willing to let go of this right to decide, I am fine with that too as long as it their conscious decision to let go! My concern is about how the social conditioning is blinding women and making them believe that wearing an extra chain represents their love for their husband or the longevity of his life and they can not wear certain colors depending on whether he is alive or dead.  I do not want some one to stop me from wearing my favorite colors because of my marital status or force me into liking pink because I am a woman!

Shopping is the most interesting feedback for me! By all means, if shopping is like an entertainment for someone, they are free to do that as long as their time and budget allows it. My contention was against the inability to take decisions! If someone spends more time in shopping because they are not able to decide which clothe to buy, it is a problem to be fixed or opportunity for improvement! They need to train themselves in taking quicker decisions.

It is about striking the balance between satisficing and maximizing! It is about understanding that all estimation techniques are useful only to an extent. Cost of decision making will depend on cost of information collection.  Accuracy of an estimate depends on breadth and depth of information used for the estimation. Without some basic information, no one can estimate. Till about 60% of information, there is good positive correlation between amount of information and accuracy of estimation. But beyond  60% of information, accuracy of estimation does not correlate that very well with amount of information and it fluctuates around the same level. The next peaking of accuracy of estimation happens when we have close to 100% of information.

Ironically, all information is available for estimation only when the activity is completed!  Estimation is useless at that point in time! Task is completed anyway! It is the same logic, I am applying for shopping! One needs to learn to take decision with less information except for some very rare scenarios that expect high level of accuracy. If you do not consider shopping as a task to be completed, a decision to be made, and treat it as a recreation, this logic does not apply to you. The logic I use for my recreation will probably be more comparable! Spending a lot of time in decision making is a costly affair in terms of time as well as the amount of energy it can drain from our psychological energy pool. If the returns of that spend is not worth it, do not spend that much is my only recommendation!

Make up interpretation was a shocker to me! I took a decision not to use cosmetics when I was 18 years old in an effort to be eco-friendly! Believe me - yes, to be eco-friendly! I wanted to reduce the chemicals I use. Of course, I do not have control over all the chemicals used in the value chain of all my consumables. But wherever possible, I wanted to reduce chemicals! Definitely not due to the fact was I was going up in the corporate ladder :-)! I was not even in the corporate world when I took that decision! In fact I did not even know that such a thing called corporate world exists!

More over, I do not use chemical cosmetics does not mean that I do not like things like henna. Not many people would have seen my nails without the color of henna / maruthani! I do take time do it. In the middle of the night, after all my calls are over, I spend 10-15 mins to apply maruthani about once in two weeks!  In Blame-game article, I did not mean to promote "no-cosmetics" idea. When someone is not used to do something for a long time, doing that activity will  not be perfect, will take more time, will not feel good and they may feel that they are clumsy! At least, I felt I was very clumsy with these things and I did not like the stickiness of the moisturizer! This is my only point! :-)

Coming back the "less equals" feedback, all I am saying in these articles is, I do not want any one to generalize and influence how women behaved generally or a specific woman behaved all thru her life. In fact, I am against any & all generalizations and tagging people to these generalizations!  All of us change, all of us have choices, and all of us are free to exercise those choices with an eye for improving ourselves constantly! I do not claim to be better than other women!! To me, there is nothing called as "better than others"! Each one is unique and precious, if you care to be one, that is!

Ekalaivan and the rest of them!

Why Ekalaivan was a better archer than Arjun is a long discussed topic. I guess, science is answering this question now. It is proved that the online learners / distance learners are better self-regulated than the class-room or in-person students. Ekalaivan was probably the first ever distance learner! Like many other distance learners, Ekalaivan also was learning for his own pleasure & need and not out of compulsion by a parent or someone. When one is intrinsically motivated like that, they are better self-regulated and hence better learners and better performers!

There is an additional possible explanation! Hawthorne Effect! For Arjun, Drona was in physical form. He could differentiate between the physical presence and absence easily. He may have practiced / done right things only when Drona was around. But, for Ekalaivan, Drona was not a physical form; he was a virtual form that is present always, a feeling that is constantly existing. There is no possibility of absence of the guru for him. The only way he could have survived this feeling was by practicing all the time, behaving himself, eating right always. A case of perceived attention improving productivity and performance!!!! His feeling for his guru probably was so intense that he did not need any reiteration of the idea that his guru is next to him always…

It is interesting that ancient India considered the guru as same as God! They also believed that the great gurus can manifest themselves anywhere! Application of Hawthorne effect I feel :-) :-) How many teachers qualify to be at that level is a different question though! But if we think carefully, Drona himself was not good enough to be treated as God… he lied, was partial and violated war ethics. It looks like, it is the disciple's feeling for the guru mattered more than the quality of the guru!! However, we should remember that, the guru should be of good quality otherwise the student will end up learning wrong things or the overall outcome will go in vain… like in the case of Ekalaivan.

Drona was the guru for Pandavas and Kauravas too. If we compare their performance with Ekalaivan, they were poorer. But within themselves, Pandavas were better… that is probably because, the Pandavas had access to their other great guru - Krishna.  One can see the influence of the "Hawthorne effect" easily with Krishna. Pandavas kept Krishna out on purpose whenever they committed mistakes; they made explicit requests to him to stay away mentally! For example, Yudhisthira pleaded Krishna to be away when gambled / played the fatal game; he went on to make all ugly mistakes when he kept his guru away mentally. Not only that, before they set out to the war, the pandavas shared their most dreaded secrets with one another and Krishna to create the bonding once again with their guru.

Kaurvas did not have this feeling for their guru Drona. They did not keep him at their heart! Interestingly, Drona did not keep his best student Ekalaivan at his side! In other words, Drona was not that good a teacher as Krishna. His students did not consider him as omnipresent; he deceived the only student who considered him as omnipresent!  Krishna's disciples kept him close to their heart, treated him as God and felt his presence always. Krishna too stepped down or up to any level for them- he accepted rather volunteered to be a charioteer to his student, a messenger on behalf of his students, astrologer for his students; he never let them down! We all know the result of such an alliance!! 

One more!

One more tree down in the neighbourhood! It was due to the rain. Fortunately no one was hurt. It was only a few bikes that got hit. That was a big sigh of a relief… but it hurts still….

Just fifty years back, this place was full of trees, in fact was of only trees. Looks like, even fifteen years back, more than 70% of the space was filled with trees and buildings were occupying only the rest of the place with good amount of vacant land in between them for the children to play. In 2001, a new set of buildings were erected to host 200 families vacating several hundred families of birds and squirrels away chopping away a good number of trees.

Last year, government decided to host a few hundred more police officers and their families in new buildings! Hmm… a few more hundreds of birds lost their homes. It was a sad site to see the trees being cut. If I had so much money and power, I would have bought the entire land to save the trees, birds and squirrels. I was just a silent witness… This tree was a survivor I should say, given the fact that it was very close to a new construction. Many of its branches were cut; I could feel the effect of it in the reduced flowers this summer. I was hoping that I would see more flowers next summer as the tree would have healed by then. But… to my unhappiness, she died today!

This morning I woke up smiling, listening to the chirping of myna family from my window sill. A little late in the morning, when I was trying to calm myself down after a few unpleasant things, it was this myna family that gave me pleasantness and strength again. From my window, they flew back to this tree. I was trying to locate them thru the thicks of the leaves. It was a good hide and seek though they did not know that they were hiding and I was seeking them. In the game, I also could see a parrot couple. They all lightened my heavy feelings and the day started to look up!

Now, the tree has gone! It is raining heavily. The birds can't build their nests quickly. Where will they be? It feels a lot like a Tamil movie scene - their homes broke on a rainy day. If it was humans, neighbours or government would have given them a shelter for tonight and probably till the time they get a better place to move in. What will happen to these birds? Do they also have such support systems?  I don’t even know how to help them for the kind of joy they gave me everyday, especially this morning! It feels like not helping someone who helped in a dire need!!

My neighbour called me to tell me that the tree fell down (as I was away from home at that time). She told me that no one was hurt, it was only a few bikes… Really? Was no one hurt?