கடலில் கரையும் கடவுள்!

பிள்ளையார் ஒரு அணுக்கமான கடவுளாக உணரப்படுபவர்! எல்லோருக்கும் மிகவும் நெருக்கமான, விஸ்தீரணமான பூஜைகள் எதிர்பார்க்காத எளிமையானவராக கருதப்படுபவர்! சிறு வயதில், ஒரு யானை எப்படி எலியில் பயணம் செய்யமுடியும் என்ற பெரிய ஆச்சரியத்தை ஏற்படுத்தியவர்! அதன்பின் ஏன் இத்தனை பெரிய காது, வயிறு, துதிக்கை என்ற கேள்விகளை ஏற்படுத்தியவர்! ஓ, ஆழ்ந்து மூச்சிழுத்து ஆக்சிஜனை அதிகமாக உட்கொண்டால் தெளிவாக சிந்திக்கலாம், அதற்காகத்தான் நீண்ட மூக்காக துதிக்கை, அதிகமாகக்கேட்கத்தான் பெரிய காது, எதையும் ஜீரணிக்கும் திறன் குறிக்க பெரிய வயிறு என்று விளக்கம்கேட்டபின்னர்தான் இந்துக்கடவுள்களையும் கதைகளையும் பலகோணங்களில் சிந்தித்துப்பார்க்கும் குணம் ஏற்பட்டது! அவர் தலைமாறிய கதைகேட்டபோது, வேலை என்று ஏற்றுக்கொண்டபின் தந்தையை எதிர்த்து நிற்கநேர்ந்தாலும், தலையே போனாலும்கூட கடமையைச் சரியாகச்செய்யவேண்டும் என்ற எண்ணம் வந்தது!

பிள்ளையார் பிடிக்கப்போய் குரங்காய்ப் போயிற்று என்ற வழக்குமொழி முற்றிலும் தவறானதாகப்பட்டது! வணங்குவதற்காக பிள்ளையார் பிடிப்பது மிக எளிது! மஞ்சளோ, வெல்லமோ, மண்ணோ, பசுஞ்சாணமோ, நான்கு விரலால் பிடித்து ஒரு கூம்பாக்கினால் போதும், அது பிள்ளையார்!! இது எப்படி தப்பாகப்போகும்? இதைக்கூட தப்பாகச் செய்பவர்க்கு குரங்கைச் சமாளிக்கும் தண்டனை தேவைதான் என்றும்கூட நினைத்திருக்கிறேன்!

பிள்ளையாரைக் கடலில் கரைப்பது எங்கள் ஊரில் இல்லை! நான் சென்னைவந்த புதிதில், மண்ணில் செய்த பிள்ளையார் சிலையைக்கொடுத்து சில நாட்கள் பூஜை செய்தபின் கடலில் கரைக்கச் சொல்லி கொடுத்தார்கள். பூஜை செயதேனோ இல்லையோ, பொறுப்பாக கடலில் கரைக்க எடுத்துச் சென்றோம்! கடல்வரை சென்றபின் ஏனோ கரைக்க மனமில்லாமல் வீட்டுக்கே கொண்டுவந்துவிட்டேன்! இத்தனைக்கும் அது வெறும் மண் பிள்ளையார்! சூழல் கெடுக்கும் வேதிப்பொருட்களோ, கடல்வாழ் உயிரிகளை வதைக்கும் பிளாஸ்டிக்கோ இல்லை! ஆனாலும் மனமில்லை! இந்த பிள்ளையாரைத்தான் இன்று வண்டிவண்டியாகக் கடலுக்கு எடுத்துச்செல்கிறார்கள்! கரைக்க!!

17 வருடங்களில், பிள்ளையார் கரைப்பில் சென்னை இன்னும் தீவிரமாகிவிட்டது! வெறும் அருகம்புல் மாலைமட்டுமே அணிந்து, வெல்லத்தில் பிடித்தால் சர்க்கரைப் பொங்கலிலும், மஞ்சளில் பிடித்தால் குழம்பிலும், மண்ணில் பிடித்தால் செடிகளோடும், பசுஞ்சாணத்தில் பிடித்தால் எரிபொருளாகவும் கலந்து, சுற்றுச்சூழலை எந்தவிதத்திலும் மாசுறுத்தாத பிள்ளையார் இன்றோ பல லிட்டர் பெட்ரோல் குடித்து, பல வண்ணங்களாய் கடலைக் கெடுத்து, தெருவெங்கும் பிளாஸ்டிக் விதைத்து, போக்குவரத்தை முழுதாய் குழப்பி, பலரின் பயணநேரத்தை பலமடங்காக அதிகமாக்கி முழுதும் அந்நியமாகத்தெரிகிறார்!

பிள்ளையார் மட்டுமல்ல மேரி மாதா ஒரு மாதத்துக்கு முன் சென்னையின் போக்குவரத்தை கிட்டத்தட்ட 5 மணிநேரம் திக்குமுக்காடவைத்து சில ஆயிரக்கணக்கான (குறைந்தபட்சம் பல நூற்றுக்கணக்கான) லிட்டர் பெட்ரோல் குடித்தார்! இவையெல்லாம் முறைதானா? பக்தி சரியா தவறா என்ற விவாதத்தில் இறங்க நான் விரும்பவில்லை. அது அவரவர் சொந்த விஷயம்! ஆனால் சொந்த விஷயம் புவியைக் கெடுக்கலாமா என்ற கேள்விதான்! விழாக்களும்  பண்டிகைகளும் மகிழ்ச்சி தரவேண்டும், மனத்தைச் சீராக்கும் சிந்தனை தரவேண்டும், அன்பைப்பகிர்ந்துகொள்ள தளம் அமைத்துத் தரவேண்டுமேயல்லாமல் இப்படி சூழல் குலைப்பதாய் இருத்தல் சரிதானா என்ற வருத்தம்தான்!

அன்னை தந்தைக்குள் உலகைக்கண்டு, எதற்கும் எளியவிடை தேடச் சொன்ன கடவுள், கடலில் கரைகிறார்! விடைதேடவும், வாழ்வை எளிமைப்படுத்தவும்தான் ஆளில்லை!

Guilt Trips....

It is surprising and annoying to note how people want others to feel guilty!! WhatsApp plays a major role in this process because of its easy access. Though I mute most of the chats in WhatsApp, some messages escape into the eyes sometimes!

There are plenty of messages to make one feel bad about not using the old techniques and tools! These messages come with an emotional overload and apt pathos background music! Sure, riding a bicycle was fun. It is a healthier and more eco friendly option than driving a car is a valid argument. But when someone says that we are the last generation to have taken a triples ride in a bicycle and we are the last ones to check the if dynamo works fine, it makes me wonder so what? When I hear the soft idlies of yester-years, it makes me think, just because your mother used "aatu ural" & made tasty idlies, it does not mean that idly made out of batter from a grinder is tasteless or less soft! If you are getting less soft, less tasty idlies, it could just mean that you are not good at mixing the ingredients in right ratio! Or it could also mean that when you were young, you were not exposed to other food to compare it with her cooking!

"We were happier earlier" seems to be the crux of these messages!! We are the first generation who could video chat with someone in the other side of the planet and appreciate their saree color! We are the first generation to have sent a mail to someone on the other side of the planet and could feel frustrated if it is not delivered within the next second! Our parents sent a letter and just had to 'assume' that the letter would have been delivered a week or a fortnight later! Why should we not be happy about these things? Sure, most of us were happier as children. But that is because our parents took the brunt of day to day operations!! And more importantly, we were not thinking of past or future, as children; we could be in present all the time! We see that in today's children too!

Even worse are the "guilt" messages - we are not spending enough time for our nears & dears, not taking care of our health, peace of mind etc. etc.!  "IT professionals, you are not sleeping enough, you are stressed too much because of uncertainty!" is a famous cry. What I don’t understand is, can anyone face more uncertainty or be more stressed than a farmer who does not know when it will rain! Just a couple of days delay in rains can ruin one whole year of harvest! Can anyone's life be more stressful? Are the IT professionals the only ones whose sleep pattern is bizarre? How about doctors, nurses, drivers, policemen? How about those traders of 8th or 9th century? Did they get to sleep at regular times? 

Why are we over working, who are we running for - to pay the builders and interior designers etc. are the questions raised again and again with an indication that it is a bliss to be idle! Really? If everyone is idle, who would feed us? Where will the money come from? Okay, money is "manmade" sinful entity and we don’t need that for a living! Where will the food come from? Where will clothes come from? Someone has to cultivate, process and deliver the produce. Who is that someone? Shouldn’t they stop "running" as well?

Messages targeted at women are beyond count! "Oh, lady software engineer, do you know when your baby first said amma, do you know mother's milk is the best food in the world, do you know this, do you know that… " are quite frequent! Do we mean to say, a lady farmer had better luxury a few decades ago? She had to leave her child too! She too did not know when her baby said amma first! Sure, she did not leave her child in a child care! But she would have left the child under a tree with almost no one to attend to!  She would have been worried about snakes at least ants and other insects! The IT mothers are worried if the day-care people are really giving the care!! Which is safer? Which is less cruel to the mother? Who can say? Didn’t they both try to strike a balance between two conflicting needs?

We are not able to take care of our parents is the next accusation! Sure, the life style has changed and our jobs make us stay in faraway places. In olden days, people continued the same profession as their parents, stayed in the same village or town, had opportunity to be with parents & grandparents mostly. They married cousins from the same village or neighbouring villages. So they could stay closer to the relatives. This does not necessarily mean that they took care of their parents or elders any better than what we do! Just because our forefathers were living closer to their parents, it does not mean that they had a cordial relationship!  If that was the case, we would not have had stories like "mother's heart (a heart asking the son to walk carefully)"!! We also had grannies who sold puttu for survival and could call only Lord Shiva to carry soil on her behalf!! We have stories that exemplify the care given to parents - like "shravana kumaran" and the butcher who taught karma yoga to Rishi Konganava! If everyone took care of their parents so well, why were such stories written?

Another interesting factor about these messages is their dreaminess! They make us sit down with our eyes closed, recollecting the past! The dream generally starts with a smile and then slowly it gets into an ache!! The art of creating emotions thru writing!! That way, I am impressed with the message writers to take one to a specific period in time and a specific emotion / dreaminess!! But, a dream should motivate you to move forward. Considering the past as the best period of life makes you dream for something that you can not achieve! Learning from the past is fine and it is needed! Using the best practices of the past, strengthening them further to support the future is a much needed skill for human beings to survive! But what is the point in just feeling bad, that too with distorted truth!!!

I want to meet those writers of the long sentimental messages and ask, "are you really fair?"!! Is it technology's fault? Really? How do you know? What is your reference point?  Unfortunately, it is not only these faceless 'sentimental' writers who try to make us feel self-pity or guilty! This habit seems to catch up with many 'real' people as well! I was fortunate (or unfortunate?!?!?!) to observe and escape one such effort today! This person spoke to me for just a few minutes!! It was just a courtesy call! But within the short 3-4 minutes, there were some two hundred questions with comments- how am I doing, how is my family doing and work progressing, when & where am I travelling next (wow you get to see places, but India is heaven), who will feed my husband (hmm.. poor man), will my cook buy vegetables on her own even when I am not there (dont trust these people, they are all cheats), what time I usually come home (so sad, that is too late by any standards…hmmm I pity you guys), have I eaten my dinner (OMG, it is 10 pm, it is not a good practice to have dinner so late!!), is dinner ready or should I cook only now, will I have my dinner alone (this is absolutely wrong!! it is a very bad practice to have food all alone), did I oil my hair and wash it in the morning (women must do so every Friday for the family's well-being!!), so on and so forth!! 

Finally, I had to say I am getting into a meeting - just to end the call! The caller ended the call 'gracefully' stating that this situation too will pass, I should not worry about this and I will be happy someday! I was wondering why does the caller think that there is something wrong with my life!! When I understood the motives behind the statements, I could not stop smiling for about 10 minutes, though the call itself was very tiring! I am sure the caller did the same thing - for a different reason though!! Interestingly, the caller is the most kind person when it comes to feeding a hungry person but is the most cruel when it comes to playing with other's emotions!! I was smiling, thinking about the attempt to make me feel guilty, self-pity and look for a shoulder to cry! I am wondering if people like these trigger the 'senti' messages by these faceless writers or these messages trigger behaviours in people like the caller! What will be their reaction if they know that people like me are just smiling at their messages as against their expectations to make people cry! 

A better question probably is how can we learn to be motivators? I believe life is all about giving confidence - to self and others! Radiating confidence & making people hopeful and motivated is sign of a matured person! It could be thru words, deeds or by just our presence! As we know, shaking someone's confidence and peace is easy! It is the role of cruel people! Not affecting the confidence is the bare minimum human value! Building confidence is greatness! Only peerless and fearless leaders can do that! How do we cultivate and nurture the greatness in ourselves? How do we create more leaders?

Wants Vs Needs

This is the second follow up article on Travel 180 degrees. I sort of anticipated this one too. In fact, I was thinking about my points on wants and needs even before writing the 180 degrees article. I agree that my observation in 180 degrees is an over simplified version of those thoughts. I have tried my best to capture those thoughts in this article.  This is also a simplified version because I am not getting into more complex words or more sophisticated words such as like and love. (I am very hungry => I need food, I want Indian food, I like south Indian food, I love Idly are some statements for you to reflect on). This article is all about simplifying all the higher order, more sophisticated expectations to just two categories - wants and needs. When we do that many things get clear and life becomes peaceful and beautiful I feel. I feel understanding what is a want and what is a need is the fundamental of any human relationship. If we do not understand this, if we do not handle this properly we will end up in bad and sour / sore relationships!!

I am glad that we agreed that we should not be buying things we just want but do not need during the discussion last week. So I am only going to talk about being clutter free with fellow human beings, however I will use some examples from the physical level. Some more disclaimers before the article: 1) I am not a psychologist and I do not know many psychological theories and models. 2) I am not an expert who managed all my relationships very well and I am not successful with all types of relationships too. I have faced badly ruined relationships in professional and personal life. But, I can confidently say, I have revived potentially dead relationships for myself and for others - both in professional and personal space. Moreover, as a coach, I observe people a lot. From all those experiences, observations and from my experience in product development (yes product development) I have learnt a few lessons (rather I am learning still) and I am sharing my lessons here. 3) Some of the ideas described in this article may not apply as is in professional set up because the term wants and needs have a different notion & application. We can talk about how the techniques to build professional relationship can be used for building personal relationships in another article.

Now, let us get to the "long" article!! As always, welcome your thoughts and ideas!!

First of all, it is important for us to differentiate wants and needs. Many times, we do not differentiate rather we do not even attempt to differentiate the expectations as wants and needs. It is easier to differentiate them at the physical level; I mean "relatively". Having nutritious food is a need; but tasty food is a want though many times we feel we need our favourite food! Even the "nutritious" part can get into the want category in some cases, unfortunately. It is easy to note that if someone does not have nutritious food they get malnourished, starve and can die. But they don’t die if the food is not tasty. If they do not consume water, if they do not breath they will die. If they do not have clothes to protect them from the outside weather, they will die or at least suffer. These are all needs. To put it simply, if the "needs" are not fulfilled, the person becomes weak out of the starvation or suffer; but lack of "wants" do not make one die. You can easily recognize how these basic needs get built on to become wants! You can also notice many times we get frustrated or unhappy with lack of "wants" than lack of "needs"!! And, it is VERY easy to forget what is a need and what is a want!! However, with a little practice we can understand the difference and stop expecting the wants!!!.

It is interesting that, not getting needs fulfilled and not getting wants fulfilled have an impact but the severity varies always; impact itself varies many times. More interestingly, irrespective of whether something is a want or need, if we consider them as a need we start working towards acquiring them, protecting them and retaining them; lack of that affects our peace of mind equally! I have a colleague who cried in a foreign land because she should could not get curd rice though she had access to a lot of other tasty, nutritious veg food! She needed just nutritious food, she wanted curd rice. But she thought she needs curd rice. Lack of it affected her so much that she wanted to fly back to India; the rich conversations, new learning, beautiful places around and other comforts did not reach her mind at all. Her body did not become weak because it got all the nutrients it needed; but her mind was feeling so sick that she felt sick and eventually fell sick too.

When it comes to people, it is even more complex. When you are dependent on the other person, you "need" them. For example, children have no way (or a very little possibility) of getting needs such as food, shelter, education etc. fulfilled on their own; so they depend on their parents or a caretaker. But if they depend on the caretaker forever, it becomes an issue. Emotionally and intellectually, they need some support from the parents so that they are nurtured to be fully evolved human beings. Here too, the parents have to slowly coach them to be independent thinkers, decision makers, money managers etc.. If not, there will be issues.

However, it gets trickier with adults. Literally there is no need to be dependent. Any support given to each other belong to "wants" category mostly though both the giver and the receiver start perceiving it as a need. However, when we give our commitment to the relationship - to be a team member, to be a friend, to be a spouse etc., there are some responsibilities to be fulfilled. You can consider them as the needs to be fulfilled because the other person is planning based on your deliverables or commitments. There is also bare minimum quality with which these deliverables / commitments are to be delivered. Anything that is provided / expected over and above the agreed items with agreed quality can be considered as wants.

Like in physical space, here too, it is difficult to differentiate want vs need.  It is even more intriguing and interesting to note that we do not consider the action / outcome as the want or need; we start considering the person as a want or need! To make it even more complex, food does not react irrespective of whether you consider it as want or need but people react based on how you consider or treat them and you react back based on how they react! Given that, it is difficult to describe all possible reaction chains. But here are some possibilities

1. The more responsible individual can take more & more care and keep on increasing the care when they understand that you consider them as a "need". You tend to hold them tighter as your need level keeps increasing. As long as they do not get choked in this process it goes fine. But how much a person keep increasing? As we know "the needs" can increase for ever!
2. Someone who wants to exploit you can also keep increasing the care and make you completely dependent on them. As long as you do not recognize the exploitation and be happy to be in the golden cage or that person has the need / means to exploit you, it works fine!
3. You consider that person as a need, but they keep providing only because it is asked, but internally they feel restricted…. even worse, you start "demanding" the need to be fulfilled! Hmmm… they run away or get frustrated... relationship gets sore....
4. Whenever you consider someone as a need, you start feeling possessive and fear losing them, irrespective of whether you really depend on them or not. You start restricting them... obviously no one likes to be restricted and they try to move out of the boundaries... you become more alarmed and restrict them more.... You have got into a vicious cycle! How do you hold the sand decides whether it stays or not! Tighter you close your palm, faster the sand leaks from your hand! If you just keep it on your open palm, it stays as long as you want!
5. You consider someone as a want but you are actually dependent on them! You can be arrogant to that person and depending on how the treat you (need or want) it creates another set of reactions!

So the point is, keeping the other person at want level (i.e., not depending on them) and treating them at a want level (i.e., not being possessive of them) is the best way. In the need want matrix, that is the only quadrant that keeps the relationship healthy in my opinion. The table below is based on my observations. This is not based on any scientific model. There may be a similar model existing; but I have not read it. This is purely based on my observations and experience.

how you consider and express Reality	Need	Want
Need	Possible respect shown by you. Depending on how good the other person is, they can treat you well or exploit you or treat you with disrespect Possible possessiveness	Possible disrespect shown by you. Depending on how good the other person is, they can treat you well.  Their ability to exploit you or treat you with disrespect comes down
Want	Possible respect shown by you. Depending on how good the other person is, they can treat you well. Their ability to exploit you or treat you with disrespect increases Possible possessiveness	Possible respect shown by you and to you. Less possibility of possessiveness.

All the above is from keeping you at the receiving end. How do you handle the reverse operation, that is, when you give? That is where product management comes into play. Irrespective of whether the other person considers you as a want or need, when you have to give, it is better for you to understand the Kano model - the model for product requirement progression over time!! The model talks about what happens to customer satisfaction based on the product features. When the basic needs are not met, the customer is dissatisfied. A delighter gets into basic needs category over time. Quality and performance are considered somewhere between the basic needs and the delighters! Like in product features, all the interactions, care, etc. have a cost! (I am sorry my dear purist friends for this statement. I am sure all of you are going to pounce on me saying love does not cost anything! At a minimum, you need time to express love; you know time is costly and it has to be planned). So it is important for us to carefully plan what delighters we want to bring into the relationship. In mature relationships you can clearly state that something is a delighter and may not be available all the time; even more mature friends understand it without you conveying it explicitly.

It is also important to understand that there is no point in providing a delighter when you are not even able to meet the basic needs! The product will fail anyways! I have seen people trying to compensate the failed basic needs with more expensive delighters. Of course the delighter gives momentary happiness but it does not compensate for the failed  basic needs. Will you buy a phone that has horrible voice quality just because it has a fantastic camera and it can measure your heartbeat all the time!! That is why a toy is a poor compensation for your missed commitment to be with your child on his/her birthday.  Please remember, any promise you give becomes a basic need! Any commitment you give becomes a basic need! Delighters are important too. If you do not have delighters, it is a boring product. Like in product development, if you are lucky, you may get to know the delighters (also known as wants) explicitly. Many times the customers may not state them explicitly or they themselves may not know the delighters! Noticing and delivering the implicit and explicit delighters are the key to successful product! Similarly, noticing, remembering, planning and delivering the delighters are going to make the relationship beautiful and successful!

So success lies in a) not considering wants (delighters) & demanding them as a basic need and reducing the needs consciously when receiving and b) meeting all the basic needs (even the wants/delighters that have morphed themselves as basic needs) while consciously and willingly introducing wants/delighters on the way!