In IT industry, we used to share the lessons learnt from one project to the other projects. It is to ensure that the organization does not do the same mistake again. I'm sure in other industries too this concept is followed. I believe most of the spiritual preaching and moral stories are based on the same concept; someone's lessons learnt or lessons learnt compiled from a society.
So I thought, I would also record my lessons learnt. It might be useful to someone or to myself later in life.
1. Be happy no matter what happens to you in the course of life
This may sound philosophical. But it is not. If you really want to live your life and learn from your life, you should be happy no matter what happens. There were nasty betrayals from unexpected quarters; there were bankruptcies; there were close to death ill health experiences. But I decided to be happy with my life. There is no point in crying over anything that can’t be changed or something that has already happened. After all, life is too short to worry about these things.
It is not that I was not hurt at all. I was upset like any other human being. I cried; I felt guilty; I felt angry; I felt desperate; I felt hopeless; I felt dejected; I felt disgusted. But after a while after each fall, I shook myself and started running again. Because of the falls, there were set backs in life. One of the companies I worked for said I just missed the bus by a couple of weeks. But then, in life you do not have to depend on one bus…. you do not even have to depend on a bus
‘Let Go’ is the key principle. For us to grow, we need to let go some things. Holding on grudges is poisonous. So it is better to release the anger and any other negative thoughts & feelings. This part was very hard for me especially after betrayals. Letting the hard feeling go and start trusting the person was the hardest. But if you do not want to break the relationship (in life there are several such relationships) then that is the only option. I believe the other person’s cooperation to build the trust is also equally important. This can not be a one way traffic.
Long time back poet ‘Vairamuthu’ had written a few lines about life… ‘Save your smiles; you may lose everything else in an earthquake’ is the gist of it (sorry I could not bring in the beauty of the poem in the translation). I hold these lines as the corner stone of my life. I guess I will be able to sustain this through out!!!!
2. Be open and always speak the truth.
3. Do not give unsolicited advice.
4. Give your best to whatever you do.
5. Never speak about someone who is not present
6. Do not think that you are perfect and do not expect perfection from others.
7. Do not be manipulated
8. If you want to keep something secret, keep it to yourself.
Shall elaborate the remaining in the upcoming articles.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
For the Mother Not To Be (MNTB)
There are a plenty of online advice and books on parenting for the mothers to be. But there is very little help for the mothers not to be (MNTB). So I thought, I'll write some thing from my experience....
If you decide not to have a kid at all, it is easier to manage as you would know your reasons. In India this category is too small if not null. But if you are told that you would not have a kid at all, it actually is a big shock. Doctors will explain the technical reasons why it is so; but you would never be able to understand why it happened to you.
Facing something without knowing the reason is very cruel and difficult. Those who meet with accidents, fatal illness and who lose loved ones suddenly will understand this difficulty. However the subtle difference between this set of people and the nulliparous women is, not many people think that it is an illness; it is treated as incapability and the MNTBs face sarcasm. It is a lot easier to discuss about accident, illness (depending on the illness though) and death than discussing about not having a child. But many people will be interested in discussing this with you. You need to learn how to handle this - there are techniques from a simple 'shut up' to 'oh yeah you are right; let me think' to changing the topic gently.
In life not everybody gets everything. There is an unresolved X in every one's equation. This X could be any of the 16 categories of bliss including money, property, health etc. Lack of each category has its own set of difficulties. When some one does not have money and does not have the potential to earn, he or she is not despised as much as when some one does not have a child. This is very strange. If the poor person is not unhappy about being poor and does nothing to change the state he or she is praised that they are content :-) But if MNTB is not unhappy and diverts her energy into something else, she is arrogant and is not feminine :-D You need to learn to be happy irrespective the fact that you might be called arrogant!!!
For 'n' number of years after the marriage, people will keep asking if there is any special news ('n' depends on the patience!?!?! of the clan) and after that they start advising you to adopt a kid. If you decide not to adopt, that is it, you are not a woman at all :-) Only 'women' can understand the greatness of being a mother!!! As if they are the mothers of Gandhijis or Newtons or Tendulkars or Kalams and have brought up their kids in the best possible way!!! If you decide to adopt, think if you can love the kid whole heartedly. Any child will argue and fight with the parents (Did you not argue with your parents and did you not disobey them?) at some point in time. Be prepared to accept that. You should adopt for your own happiness otherwise, there is every possibility that you would ask yourself "how much I have done to this kid and he is not grateful to me".
Women (and men too, of course) who are not even respected by their own children will start advising you :-) You would want to take advice only from an expert!! Yeah you have your role models & mentors to guide you at office and you don't take advice from the Trail raters!!! Trail raters won't even have the guts to give you advice but these women will start their funda. You need to learn how to stop the gyan.
Having said this, I want you to understand that there are a lot of genuine people who might hurt you unintentionally. They want to be supportive or at least they are not bothered about the issue. They treat you like how they treat any other friend or relative. However, sometimes you tend to misunderstand their activities. Like how you forget to inform somethings to your friends, they may also forget to tell you. You might misunderstand that they ignore you. Be watchful of this kind of assumptions. Baseless assumptions are very dangerous be it in business or in personal life.
And there is another set of people who would start pumping in information on various doctors, alternate medicine, home remedies, poojas you need to do etc. This information could be so very tempting as they would tell you with a lot of success stories(you may not be able to verify them though) You need to learn to stop getting tempted. This is the most difficult part. If you want to try out something do it whole heartedly and be prepared for any result. These two requirements seem to be contradicting with each other. But they are not if you are careful about your thoughts. If you do not want to try out anything new, be firm and learn how to stop the inputs.
There are times when some one asks you how many kids you have or how are your kids. This could be a naive courtesy inquiry or could be a cruel attempt to make you unhappy. Learn to differentiate otherwise you could become a jerk and offend a genuine person. Learn to answer the question with a sweet smile irrespective of the motive behind the question. If they asked you out of cruelty, that is the best disappointment you can give. If they asked you without the intention to hurt you, ensure that they do not feel bad that they asked a question that hurt you. After all, we are talking about well intended, naive courtesy inquiries in any gathering you may attend. Be gentle on people.
All the above are external issues. Most important thing is to learn to handle your own emotions and your husband's feelings. You may have a range of feelings from anger to despair. You may feel angry at yourself, your husband, parents, doctors, supreme power, fate etc. Or you may feel guilty that you could have been careful earlier, or taken better medication, or taken a break from career etc. As per medical science, there is very little you could have done to avoid this. When you feel guilty or angry, you can not think clearly; you will not breathe normally and not eat properly. All these behaviors are harmful to you as a person. Take care of what you have rather than getting worried about what you do not have.
Accept the fact. There is no point in crying over something you can not change. It is easier said than done. But there is no other choice. Think why you wanted to have a baby in first place. Is it because you wanted to bring up a great person or because that is what every one does and that is what have heard of. Think if you want to bring up a kid for YOUR own happiness or you want to do it as the neighbours have kids and it is a status symbol.
If you are really fond of kids, then choose adoption. But please understand that adoption has its own complications. Of course kids are stress busters; they are sweet; it is fun to watch them speak, walk and dance. But they are also the stress creators - when they fall sick and you have an important deliverable at office. Think if you are serious enough to handle the stress for the fun of bringing them up. Every parent goes thru it. But here the difference is they are not your own kids. It makes hell a lot of difference. Meet with counsellors before you adopt. Talk to people who have adopted and successfully managed the entire project. See if you have the support systems in place. If YOU are convinced, then go ahead and adopt. If not, there are other ways in life :-) If you love gardens and do not have space, then you can always enjoy the beauty in the parks!!!
Be pleasant with your family - your husband, parents and in-laws. They are also as hurt as you are; it is just that they may not know how hard it is for you to talk about it. Discuss about your feelings with them and arrive at a protocol about the issue. Gently remind people if they violate the protocol. If it is beyond the threshold, be a little hard. They should also learn after all!!!
Get yourself occupied in interesting things. It need not be expensive hobbies; it can even be revenue generating work. Travel to different parts of the world. Connect with cheerful people. Enthusiasm is contagious. At times you would feel low, in spite of your best efforts to be happy. Go thru the upset feeling; do not pretend to be happy. Cry if you feel like. You will get over the hurt eventually. Time can heal any wound, however deep it is.... The only thing is, you should accept that you have a wound and you should genuinely want it to heal. Both pretending to be happy and self pity will kill you.
Take care of your health. Improve your fitness. Eat healthy food and exercise regularly. When you are in good health, most likely you will be happy. When you are not well, it is possible to get into foul mood & foul mood will make you more sick and you get into a vicious cycle.
Save for your old age. Invest intelligently so that there will be a steady income even after you retire. Plan carefully about your old age - your stay, your health, wealth and hobbies; more importantly, execute the plan!!!!
Wish you all the very best!!!
If you decide not to have a kid at all, it is easier to manage as you would know your reasons. In India this category is too small if not null. But if you are told that you would not have a kid at all, it actually is a big shock. Doctors will explain the technical reasons why it is so; but you would never be able to understand why it happened to you.
Facing something without knowing the reason is very cruel and difficult. Those who meet with accidents, fatal illness and who lose loved ones suddenly will understand this difficulty. However the subtle difference between this set of people and the nulliparous women is, not many people think that it is an illness; it is treated as incapability and the MNTBs face sarcasm. It is a lot easier to discuss about accident, illness (depending on the illness though) and death than discussing about not having a child. But many people will be interested in discussing this with you. You need to learn how to handle this - there are techniques from a simple 'shut up' to 'oh yeah you are right; let me think' to changing the topic gently.
In life not everybody gets everything. There is an unresolved X in every one's equation. This X could be any of the 16 categories of bliss including money, property, health etc. Lack of each category has its own set of difficulties. When some one does not have money and does not have the potential to earn, he or she is not despised as much as when some one does not have a child. This is very strange. If the poor person is not unhappy about being poor and does nothing to change the state he or she is praised that they are content :-) But if MNTB is not unhappy and diverts her energy into something else, she is arrogant and is not feminine :-D You need to learn to be happy irrespective the fact that you might be called arrogant!!!
For 'n' number of years after the marriage, people will keep asking if there is any special news ('n' depends on the patience!?!?! of the clan) and after that they start advising you to adopt a kid. If you decide not to adopt, that is it, you are not a woman at all :-) Only 'women' can understand the greatness of being a mother!!! As if they are the mothers of Gandhijis or Newtons or Tendulkars or Kalams and have brought up their kids in the best possible way!!! If you decide to adopt, think if you can love the kid whole heartedly. Any child will argue and fight with the parents (Did you not argue with your parents and did you not disobey them?) at some point in time. Be prepared to accept that. You should adopt for your own happiness otherwise, there is every possibility that you would ask yourself "how much I have done to this kid and he is not grateful to me".
Women (and men too, of course) who are not even respected by their own children will start advising you :-) You would want to take advice only from an expert!! Yeah you have your role models & mentors to guide you at office and you don't take advice from the Trail raters!!! Trail raters won't even have the guts to give you advice but these women will start their funda. You need to learn how to stop the gyan.
Having said this, I want you to understand that there are a lot of genuine people who might hurt you unintentionally. They want to be supportive or at least they are not bothered about the issue. They treat you like how they treat any other friend or relative. However, sometimes you tend to misunderstand their activities. Like how you forget to inform somethings to your friends, they may also forget to tell you. You might misunderstand that they ignore you. Be watchful of this kind of assumptions. Baseless assumptions are very dangerous be it in business or in personal life.
And there is another set of people who would start pumping in information on various doctors, alternate medicine, home remedies, poojas you need to do etc. This information could be so very tempting as they would tell you with a lot of success stories(you may not be able to verify them though) You need to learn to stop getting tempted. This is the most difficult part. If you want to try out something do it whole heartedly and be prepared for any result. These two requirements seem to be contradicting with each other. But they are not if you are careful about your thoughts. If you do not want to try out anything new, be firm and learn how to stop the inputs.
There are times when some one asks you how many kids you have or how are your kids. This could be a naive courtesy inquiry or could be a cruel attempt to make you unhappy. Learn to differentiate otherwise you could become a jerk and offend a genuine person. Learn to answer the question with a sweet smile irrespective of the motive behind the question. If they asked you out of cruelty, that is the best disappointment you can give. If they asked you without the intention to hurt you, ensure that they do not feel bad that they asked a question that hurt you. After all, we are talking about well intended, naive courtesy inquiries in any gathering you may attend. Be gentle on people.
All the above are external issues. Most important thing is to learn to handle your own emotions and your husband's feelings. You may have a range of feelings from anger to despair. You may feel angry at yourself, your husband, parents, doctors, supreme power, fate etc. Or you may feel guilty that you could have been careful earlier, or taken better medication, or taken a break from career etc. As per medical science, there is very little you could have done to avoid this. When you feel guilty or angry, you can not think clearly; you will not breathe normally and not eat properly. All these behaviors are harmful to you as a person. Take care of what you have rather than getting worried about what you do not have.
Accept the fact. There is no point in crying over something you can not change. It is easier said than done. But there is no other choice. Think why you wanted to have a baby in first place. Is it because you wanted to bring up a great person or because that is what every one does and that is what have heard of. Think if you want to bring up a kid for YOUR own happiness or you want to do it as the neighbours have kids and it is a status symbol.
If you are really fond of kids, then choose adoption. But please understand that adoption has its own complications. Of course kids are stress busters; they are sweet; it is fun to watch them speak, walk and dance. But they are also the stress creators - when they fall sick and you have an important deliverable at office. Think if you are serious enough to handle the stress for the fun of bringing them up. Every parent goes thru it. But here the difference is they are not your own kids. It makes hell a lot of difference. Meet with counsellors before you adopt. Talk to people who have adopted and successfully managed the entire project. See if you have the support systems in place. If YOU are convinced, then go ahead and adopt. If not, there are other ways in life :-) If you love gardens and do not have space, then you can always enjoy the beauty in the parks!!!
Be pleasant with your family - your husband, parents and in-laws. They are also as hurt as you are; it is just that they may not know how hard it is for you to talk about it. Discuss about your feelings with them and arrive at a protocol about the issue. Gently remind people if they violate the protocol. If it is beyond the threshold, be a little hard. They should also learn after all!!!
Get yourself occupied in interesting things. It need not be expensive hobbies; it can even be revenue generating work. Travel to different parts of the world. Connect with cheerful people. Enthusiasm is contagious. At times you would feel low, in spite of your best efforts to be happy. Go thru the upset feeling; do not pretend to be happy. Cry if you feel like. You will get over the hurt eventually. Time can heal any wound, however deep it is.... The only thing is, you should accept that you have a wound and you should genuinely want it to heal. Both pretending to be happy and self pity will kill you.
Take care of your health. Improve your fitness. Eat healthy food and exercise regularly. When you are in good health, most likely you will be happy. When you are not well, it is possible to get into foul mood & foul mood will make you more sick and you get into a vicious cycle.
Save for your old age. Invest intelligently so that there will be a steady income even after you retire. Plan carefully about your old age - your stay, your health, wealth and hobbies; more importantly, execute the plan!!!!
Wish you all the very best!!!
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
What they do not teach in schools.....
It is very interesting to observe that schools do not teach us most of the skills needed for life.
We study maths and learn technical stuff like how to count, add, subtract but never learn that just numbers can be misleading. We study history and learn when a war was fought but never learn why nations fail or succeed. We learn to measure density of water but never taught how precious water is. Schools do not teach how to make decisions.... forget about schools, no one teaches us how to make decisions. While making decision, what all will you consider, who all will you consider are the two big questions. Personality development experts (or so called) make money knowing that all most all people get confused and try getting support in this area.
I wonder why do we learn geography in first place. There is no connection between history and geography we learn. How can that be? Great nations exploit their natural resources and win the world. Why is this not taught? What is the point in learning that Cuba is Sugar bowl of world while not understanding what is the issue between Cuba and USA?
Schools have a lot of moral stories for young children. But unfortunately whatever happens to 'history' happens to moral science too. Wars are fought and no one knows why some one won or lost!!! Greedy dogs and thirsty crows do not teach anything to the children. Even when children learn something from these stories and enhance the stories, it is not recognized. What is the reason? Is it the quality of teachers, syllabus or again, respect for people? Don't we treat our children as individuals and don't we think that they need to think independently?
Hopefully, the recent increase in the salaries of the teachers will attract knowledgible people to the teaching profession and hopefully, we Indians will start respecting ourselves.... Life will change.... for the better.....
We study maths and learn technical stuff like how to count, add, subtract but never learn that just numbers can be misleading. We study history and learn when a war was fought but never learn why nations fail or succeed. We learn to measure density of water but never taught how precious water is. Schools do not teach how to make decisions.... forget about schools, no one teaches us how to make decisions. While making decision, what all will you consider, who all will you consider are the two big questions. Personality development experts (or so called) make money knowing that all most all people get confused and try getting support in this area.
I wonder why do we learn geography in first place. There is no connection between history and geography we learn. How can that be? Great nations exploit their natural resources and win the world. Why is this not taught? What is the point in learning that Cuba is Sugar bowl of world while not understanding what is the issue between Cuba and USA?
Schools have a lot of moral stories for young children. But unfortunately whatever happens to 'history' happens to moral science too. Wars are fought and no one knows why some one won or lost!!! Greedy dogs and thirsty crows do not teach anything to the children. Even when children learn something from these stories and enhance the stories, it is not recognized. What is the reason? Is it the quality of teachers, syllabus or again, respect for people? Don't we treat our children as individuals and don't we think that they need to think independently?
Hopefully, the recent increase in the salaries of the teachers will attract knowledgible people to the teaching profession and hopefully, we Indians will start respecting ourselves.... Life will change.... for the better.....
Is there a relationship between respect for people and inventions?
After any disaster - man made or natural - all our TV channels run talk shows to discuss why we fail to recover quickly or why we can not prevent heavy losses! Last year, after the Taj attack, there was a heated discussion in NDTV, that concluded that people are not respected by government and that is why all this is happening.
I kept thinking about every now and then to see if only government does not respect people. Unfortunate discovery is, WE as individuals do not respect others. Servants are ill-treated by the employers; those who clean the roads and sewage are ill-treated by others; constables are treated badly by inspectors and they in turn are hurt intentionally by their bosses. It just means that to show our authority we ill-treat others.
We might have got this quality from our caste system or our colonial life etc. As a result of this, no one is respected in this country. Because of this disrespect, we are OK with other people's difficulties in carrying out their day to day work and hence there is no inventions from India. For example, we do not feel bad when we see a sweeper sweeping the road; so we did not invent a machine to clean the road; some other country invented the road cleaning vehicle; we buy them at exorbitant cost!!! Same thing with any other tools.
Will we ever learn to respect people? Will we ever think of simplifying their work by new tools?
Look at Indian hospitals. How long are we expected to wait? Doctors feel that waiting time is inevitable. Time is precious for everyone but this fact is not appreciated by the doctors. As a result there is no effort taken to improve the queue management, to reduce wait time!!! Doctors are in pressure always and so are the patients!!! Why?!?!?
Will we ever learn to respect people? Will we ever improve our standard of living?
Only when we learn to respect human beings, we will think of innovative ways to improve life and there will be inventions from India. Let us teach our children to respect everyone irrespective of their money, job, color, language etc; or rather, we should let children be children as they do not these differences!!! Let us not teach them to behave like us!!!
I kept thinking about every now and then to see if only government does not respect people. Unfortunate discovery is, WE as individuals do not respect others. Servants are ill-treated by the employers; those who clean the roads and sewage are ill-treated by others; constables are treated badly by inspectors and they in turn are hurt intentionally by their bosses. It just means that to show our authority we ill-treat others.
We might have got this quality from our caste system or our colonial life etc. As a result of this, no one is respected in this country. Because of this disrespect, we are OK with other people's difficulties in carrying out their day to day work and hence there is no inventions from India. For example, we do not feel bad when we see a sweeper sweeping the road; so we did not invent a machine to clean the road; some other country invented the road cleaning vehicle; we buy them at exorbitant cost!!! Same thing with any other tools.
Will we ever learn to respect people? Will we ever think of simplifying their work by new tools?
Look at Indian hospitals. How long are we expected to wait? Doctors feel that waiting time is inevitable. Time is precious for everyone but this fact is not appreciated by the doctors. As a result there is no effort taken to improve the queue management, to reduce wait time!!! Doctors are in pressure always and so are the patients!!! Why?!?!?
Will we ever learn to respect people? Will we ever improve our standard of living?
Only when we learn to respect human beings, we will think of innovative ways to improve life and there will be inventions from India. Let us teach our children to respect everyone irrespective of their money, job, color, language etc; or rather, we should let children be children as they do not these differences!!! Let us not teach them to behave like us!!!
Friday, August 14, 2009
Giving a word or commitment...
We were to arrange for a small get together for about 30 people. Since we did not want to do it home, we were looking for a mini hall that can hold 30 to 40 people and good food. I requested two of my friends to take care of this requirement. Whenever I asked them about the hall, they told me that I do not have to worry about it at all. Just a week before the get together, I wanted to finalize the menu. There came the shock!!!! The hall was not booked. They had just inquired, not confirmed the booking, nor did they tell me about the constraint that the service providers (those in our neighborhood) are not ready to entertain less than 50 people. I had to do the hall searching and booking exercise all over again. Since it was a heavy demand day, it was pretty hard to get a hall.
This kept me thinking..... How many of us really respect the word we give others? How serious are we about the casual "Sure, shall come and visit you some time" at end of every friends' meeting? How many people call their friends or relatives as promised?
I am trying to understand why some of us take these "promises" seriously and others do not.
In the industry I was working in, whatever you commit counts irrespective of whether it was oral or written. But, in Government sector, only written communications are valued. You can say anything orally and get away with it. My friends are working in Government. Could this have caused this behavior or is that the way there were brought up? I'm not sure.
This kept me thinking..... How many of us really respect the word we give others? How serious are we about the casual "Sure, shall come and visit you some time" at end of every friends' meeting? How many people call their friends or relatives as promised?
I am trying to understand why some of us take these "promises" seriously and others do not.
In the industry I was working in, whatever you commit counts irrespective of whether it was oral or written. But, in Government sector, only written communications are valued. You can say anything orally and get away with it. My friends are working in Government. Could this have caused this behavior or is that the way there were brought up? I'm not sure.
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