Life is interesting!
We never know who we will meet and when! The long flights make us bump into people we would not have met otherwise!! I
met with a reader of my blogs. I was happy to hear her feedback. The good thing was, she did not know that she was talking to me about me! She went on to talk about my
writing style, topics & so on and later she suggested me to read my blogs
:-) When I revealed that I write them she was surprised and we exchanged our
names and whereabouts only at that point!! The fact that humans can have
conversations for hours together without even knowing each other's name is even
more interesting I guess:-) (that, probably, is another article - "What is
in a name?"). We went on to talk about many more topics including some
articles in my blog. That long conversation made me think of a follow up of an
article that I wrote about three years back on "Adultery". She felt
that extra marital affair is more sinful than the other forms of disrespect and
I should not be justifying it. We did not discuss that topic any deeper as we
had many other things to chit chat about.
I have been thinking
about her views… Am I justifying it? Is it more sinful? My article was more
against the single point view we have most often about many things in life
(single point of view could be an article by itself)! I am not a priest of any
kind who can declare something as a sinful or not; All I felt / feel is, there
are many other behaviors that are very close to or even worse than what is
called as adultery! In my article, I
tried to highlight that there are more forms of adultery that is still accepted
by the society ironically and I am amused / surprised how society ignores these
aspects. The point is, adultery need not necessarily be extra marital; if the
spouses do not have mutual respect and love but they are together in this act
for other reasons, it is adultery or at best it is trade, in my view. Their
reasons could be social (in our family, separation/ divorce is never
heard of, our religion does not accept it), familial (my parents want me to be
with him/her, my child needs a father/mother), economic (it is not viable
option to live individually), safety considerations and so on. In my mind, it
is not better than "adultery"!! It probably is more disrespectful and
distasteful!
Friends, let me be
clear about the best case scenario "the trade"!! I cook for you &
you drive for me is just trade. I am not saying trading is bad; all I am saying
is, let us not glorify trade as the best thing to do in a relationship… While
there are other names&forms of such trade, for some convenience reasons, if the
couple decide to settle down for the exchange of care giving actions /
services, it is important for them not to forget this fact: there are ethics in
all trades & only when these trade ethics are respected it is a good trade!
If you decide to trade, be an ethical trader is all I can say.
On the other
hand, if there is no companionship, it has already failed irrespective of
whether it is within the boundaries of a marriage or not. I feel, companionship
is all about compatibility - intellectual, emotional / mental and physical. It
is a life of blessing if the spouses can get into compatibility in all three
levels; but if compatibility is only at physical level and there is no
compatibility in one or more of the first two, then, it is at the most
primitive form!
Of course, we may
share intellectual / emotional compatibilities in other types interactions as
well. If we have intellectual compatibility with someone, it will make us the
best working partners. For example, Henry Ford and Edison had best intellectual
compatibility; I don’t know about their emotional compatibility; but I guess,
most likely they would have had good emotional compatibility as well; this does
not mean that they have to have physical compatibility. (It is interesting to
note how the statement feels / reads awkward when the example is about two men
and how easy it is to imagine something physical if one of them
was a woman!!). We may have just emotional compatibility with a few
others; we may share our happiness or sadness with these individuals but may
not discuss our ideas either because of our ability to communicate with them or
their ability to grasp. Again, the emotionally compatible people need not
have physical compatibility. But if the compatibility stops at just the
physical level and does not evolve to the other levels, it is more primitive
and comparable to that of the other mammals; it has a potential to die after we
cross certain age or duration in the relationship! People know this inherently! This is where lack of trust and
suspicion thrive. In my mind, such suspicious relationship is inferior (or at
least limited & constraining) and harmful; it can affect the mental peace
and intellectual progress of the couple.
Now, coming back to
the topic. The term adulteration is defined as "mixing other matter of an inferior and sometimes harmful quality with food or drink". The term adultery has same
origin as adulteration and it means very similar idea at a different plane of
life. Any form of disrespect is inferior and harmful; it does not need to be
only sexual or physical! If one harms the mental peace or blocks the
intellectual progress of the spouse how does it matter if they have the best
physical compatibility and/or exchange the services such as food /
transportation/safety to each other? How is it not adultery?
How long would we brainwash women that "அடிக்கிற கைதான் அணைக்கும்" (literally
translates as "only the arms that beat you will hug you")? How long
would we brainwash men that the most possessive woman is the most loving
woman!! Though the possessiveness can look to be love and give a high, it will
start to become a constraint and lead to abuse! If there is emotional
connection or intellectual connection will there be room for such abuses? If
there is abuse, will there be higher order compatibility?
That is why, I feel,
lack of compatibility and all the other forms of disrespect are adultery as
they mix things of inferior quality and harmful actions! In other words, any
deed done without love has the potential to be disrespectful, inferior and harmful
and it is adultery. It does not matter if those involved are married to each
other or not. If they love one another, they will have the best interest of the
other; that means, they can't do anything that is harmful or inferior; that
means they cannot do anything that has a potential bad consequence to the other
in future or present! At that level, there is nothing right or wrong about it!!
It is just it is! There is no need for a priest or rule book to tell us! One will just know!